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:iconsealed-sweets: More from sealed-sweets


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Literature by Tinuviels-song

Writing by LightsOnLuna

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Submitted on
January 27, 2011
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My mother tended her first yield tender,
with slender fingers interlocked in a cradle
placed over her ripe stomach,
the calluses raised from farm labor
serving as little pillows for her son.

The first time she felt the quake underneath her flesh—
the little feet,
the kicking feet that would someday hold up a man—
she whispered his name,
Masahiro, Masahiro.
The son rising in the east to reflect her soul.

But dawn broke too early,
stretching its scarlet, wet arms over her underwear,
spitting defiance in a rush of water soaking her feet.
On the way to the hospital,
she clutched her splitting stomach,
screaming and pleading to the impatient babe,
Too soon, too soon!
But he was too much Icarus;
too eager to reach the light.

Finally, when the doctors extracted what was inside her,
she heard no sound of a baby boy crying,
only a beeping monitor tracking the beat of an incessant heart,
her heart—
alone.
Let me see him.
With cold hands,
the doctors presented the spoiled fruit, the bloody pulp,
and she, like Daedalus, gazed upon her melted son,
filling the hollows of her body,
his fetal grave,
with remorse.

Twenty-five years later, on melancholy nights,
when the rain runs tear tracks down window panes,
when his kicking feet retrace phantom paths,
when his name echoes in her womb,
she says to me, without ever meeting my eyes,

"I am happy to have a daughter."
.

4th from the last line, should i use ghostly "paths" or "pasts"?

-----
update: 2/2/11

Thank you so much for all your wonderful comments and critiques. I wasn't expecting to ever earn a DD. I've been carrying the concept for this poem around in my head for over a year, and I'm so flattered, so bewildered, so indescribably elated by all the support. Thank you again <3

And thanks ~antilocapridae for recommending me!
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Daily Deviation

Given 2011-02-02
A strong example of the power of a narrative poem, there is something deeply unsettling about To My Brother by ~sealed-sweets. ( Suggested by antilocapridae and Featured by Halatia )
:iconlava-tomato:
lava-tomato Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2011
I am in awe.

recite it in lit!
Reply
:iconjoel55555:
joel55555 Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow. That was ... disturbing. So much emotion.

"paths" I think works better.
Reply
:icontheroyalus:
theroyalus Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2011  Professional Traditional Artist
Okay, I'm kind of choked up now. That was pretty vivid and difficult to read.

Honestly, I don't find "good" poetry very often, I hate to admit I've got pretty high standards and amateur stuff usually annoys me.

But this was just brilliant. Really, truly, not just "good" but great poetry.

-Nathan
Reply
:icon1nceephemeral2lost:
1nceephemeral2lost Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2011
It captures the tragedy perfectly. Striking.
Reply
:iconvoltaliathemajestic:
VoltaliatheMajestic Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2011  Student General Artist
:cries: Oh...my...God. That's so anguishing, even for me.
Reply
:iconfiagreen:
FiaGreen Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2011
Haunting. You have some great descriptions in here, and echo the tragedy of the miscarriage well with the story of Icarus and Daedalus. Beautifully sad.
Reply
:iconrennlei:
rennlei Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2011
Absolutely stunning. My favorite among favorites is probably "she, like Daedalus, gazed upon her melted son,
filling the hollows of her body, his fetal grave,
with remorse. "

Every word here is perfectly chosen and resonates painfully. A thousand commendations.
Reply
:iconrequiemsandreveries:
RequiemsandReveries Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2011
This is raw and emotional and awesome and the ending is perfect!!!
Reply
:iconpenny-lane-11:
penny-lane-11 Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I really like the comparison to Deadalus and Icarus, because when you think about it (and how you explain it here as well), these stories are really alike.

Congratulations on the DD and very well done! :clap:

oh, and, I think 'paths' is better :)
Reply
:iconsealed-sweets:
sealed-sweets Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2011
thank you!
Reply
:icontimeraider:
timeraider Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Congratulations. This is very mature subject matter and writing, especially how you tie it to your own feelings in the final lines.
Reply
:iconsealed-sweets:
sealed-sweets Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2011
thank you :)
Reply
:icontaube3:
taube3 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011
i like paths
Reply
:iconsealed-sweets:
sealed-sweets Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2011
me too :)
Reply
:iconzefang:
zeFANG Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011
This is beautiful, thank you for sharing. It really made me tear up.
Reply
:iconsealed-sweets:
sealed-sweets Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2011
thank you!
Reply
:iconsoftlyrainingsky:
SoftlyRainingSky Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011
this is one of the best poems i've read in a long, long time. no joke. the whole thing is so...real.

congrats on your daily deviation :)
Reply
:iconsealed-sweets:
sealed-sweets Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011
thank you!
Reply
:iconsoftlyrainingsky:
SoftlyRainingSky Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011
absolutely ^^
Reply
:iconmelrose81:
Melrose81 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Professional Traditional Artist
The entire sentence doesn't make sense, if he died his feet wouldn't be able to retrace anything. It should be more along the lines of "when the ghostly kicking feet retrace the past" or something to that affect. Regardless, I get the point and the poem is beautiful. It definitely brought a tear to my eye as I know what it is like for your unborn child to die. There is no pain in the world that could compare.
Reply
:iconmelrose81:
Melrose81 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Professional Traditional Artist
or "when HIS ghostly kicking feet retrace the past."
Reply
:iconsealed-sweets:
sealed-sweets Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011
Hmm, good point. I'll see what I can do with that. Thank you for your comment.
Reply
:iconbushytaii:
BushyTaiI Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011
I am astounded by the beauty of this poem, and speechless by the quality. It definitely is worth the read (I was introduced to your writes through Kelly)

I have only one word to say: exalt.
Reply
:iconsealed-sweets:
sealed-sweets Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011
thank you.
Reply
:iconjudah-leonardo:
Judah-Leonardo Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011   Writer
Wow. So powerful, this capture of raw emotion... I actually closed my eyes when I read the last line, and just let out a long, slow breath. Very intense, and the crafting of this is just remarkable. Very well done.
Reply
:iconsealed-sweets:
sealed-sweets Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011
:) thank you.
Reply
:iconnteg8tiondenyd:
nteg8tiondenyd Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2011
i can relate a bit too much.
Reply
:iconsealed-sweets:
sealed-sweets Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011
surprisingly, so can many of the people who've commented. i can't decide whether that's a comforting thought or a painful one.
Reply
:iconnteg8tiondenyd:
nteg8tiondenyd Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011
i suppose it's both.
Reply
:iconsomesheila:
somesheila Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2011
:la: great!!!
Reply
:iconsealed-sweets:
sealed-sweets Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011
thank you :)
Reply
:iconneonsquiggle:
neonsquiggle Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Painful. o-o
But very, very deserving of the DD. Congrats. (:
Reply
:iconsealed-sweets:
sealed-sweets Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011
thank you
Reply
:iconladyindigo2:
LadyIndigo2 Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2011
I am currently sitting all by myself in my room. I read the end of this poem and said, "Woah." aloud.

I thought you should know this. I am deeply impressed.
Reply
:iconsealed-sweets:
sealed-sweets Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011
thank you. i am overwhelmed by your reaction. :)
Reply
:iconladyindigo2:
LadyIndigo2 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011
You're welcome. You deserve it. :D
Reply
:iconpola-444:
Pola-444 Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2011
beautifully written. The ending is so saddening :(
Reply
:iconsealed-sweets:
sealed-sweets Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011
thank you.
Reply
:iconpola-444:
Pola-444 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011
you're welcome
Reply
:iconsamisalsa:
SamiSalsa Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2011  Student Writer
awww. this is sad. but amazing. :?
Reply
:iconsealed-sweets:
sealed-sweets Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011
thank you.
Reply
:iconsamisalsa:
SamiSalsa Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Student Writer
welcome (:
Reply
:iconjosnapemalfoy:
JoSnapeMalfoy Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2011
This... Is very moving. Moving towards the verge of tears. Your use of visuals is excellent! I can see it all so very clearly in my head, in black and white. A very deserving piece. :star:
Reply
:iconsealed-sweets:
sealed-sweets Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011
thank you
Reply
:iconisabellamichel:
IsabellaMichel Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2011  Student Writer
paths.

Pasts feels like its already embedded into the moment and I feel it would
be more redundant to the scene. I like paths. :nod:
Reply
:iconsealed-sweets:
sealed-sweets Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011
paths it is :)
Reply
:iconisabellamichel:
IsabellaMichel Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Student Writer
Yay :w00t:
Reply
:iconhumanisms:
Humanisms Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Every word in this poem is moving. The tonal shifts and breaks work incredibly to show wide ranges of emotion.

Beautiful. Thanks for the chills. o-o
Reply
:iconsealed-sweets:
sealed-sweets Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011
whew, i was afraid that the poem was too choppy or that the transitions were rather abrupt. thank you for your comment!
Reply
:icondrhines:
DrHines Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2011
One of the most beautiful powerful moving amazing saddest and emotionally charged poems I've ever read. Touched me in a personal way, I know what it's like to have Icarus for a brother. DD is very well deserved, congratulations.
Reply
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